I’m a divorced dad of 4 – 2 boys, 2 girls whose ages are spread far apart. Son#1 31, Daughter#1 30, Son#2 23 and Daughter#2 17. When the kids’ mom left they were 15, 14, 7 and 13 months.

Early on I had an occasion to deal with DFS(family services) the women were nice and I expressed my surprise that they weren’t all man haters since they have to deal with so many deadbeat dads and the reply was “men don’t as a rule deny they owe their kids support. They may complain they can’t afford it but they seldom say they shouldn’t be paying it. Women on the other hand have to be prosecuted to pay child support as they, as a rule, feel they owe nothing to their kids and there is an epidemic of women leaving their families to go have fun.” Sad isn’t it?

I had always been pretty stubborn about asking for help but with 4 kids and one being a baby I knew I’d need help. I asked my church for counseling for me and the kids. I was trying to be proactive, knew divorce would be hard on all of us and thought I should swallow my pride and try and do the best for the kids. I was attending the largest Southern Baptist Church in our metro area. When I asked the leader in charge of such things this is how it went: He said “What’s that?” and pointed over my shoulder to somewhere behind me. I turned to look and when I turned back he was gone. It was comical. It was a scene right out of a movie. I hadn’t been being weird or asking a lot. I simply said “It looks like I’m going to be getting a divorce and wanted to see if I could schedule some sort of counseling for my kids and myself.” Sounded ok to me. I mean I don’t think that sounded crazy but maybe I’m wrong. So I tried one more time, got no response at all and got ticked and left that church for another.

At the other church they had a huge single mom’s ministry that did a ton of great stuff for single mom’s. One day I decided to email the head of that group and let her know there are single dad’s, like me, that have all the same needs and did they do anything like that for single dads. The response was more than insulting. “Congratulations on taking on your kids. You’re doing a great thing. Most dads wouldn’t do that. But no we (her and her husband) don’t feel called to a single dad’s ministry but to support single moms. God Bless!”

If I had a dollar for every time someone said “YOU’RE raising your kids?? Wow that is AWESOME! You’re doing a special thing you know.” etc I’d be rich instead of poor. Congratulations? Really? For being a dad? I was a dad before the ex left and after she left I just kept being a dad. Why the hell do I need congratulations for that? Am I being congratulated for not saying “Oh crap I have no wife, the kids have no mom. I’ll drop them off at social services because…well..of course that’s what you do right?” What IDIOT would think that? Just like single moms and dads all over I was married with children one day and the next day found myself with no spouse but we, the kids and me, just naturally had to keep living. I don’t see people running up to single moms and say “you KEPT your kids when your husband left?? WOW you’re freaking awesome!”

One other thing the DFS women explained to me is from what they could see (and it was their job so they saw a lot) being a single parent was harder for a man as the system is simply not setup to assist men. I found that true then sixteen years ago and it is still true today. Help is available for single moms through the government and faith based organizations that are not available to single dads. I personally believe that most people assume a single dad took his kids away from his ex and never consider how many women simply walked away leaving everyone behind.

I admit I wear my badge of “Single Dad” with honor. However I didn’t “take it on” and I don’t want congratulations and attaboys for it. I became my kid’s a dad when they were born. I kept being their dad and when their mom left, mom left and I didn’t “choose to stay” I just kept doing what I’d been doing. I very simply just kept being a dad. It boggles my mind that anyone could think differently. I can say with 100% sincerity that each one of my kids is my favorite and not one less or more than another. They are all, each, individually, uniquely, my absolute favorite. You have to love your kids (and like them) like I do mine to understand. If you do I’m sure you understand if you don’t, well you don’t know what you’re missing. Being a dad is probably the only good thing I’ve done in my life.